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A Sobering Graduation Speech
Fellow graduates in the class of 2012, I stand before you today to look back while we look forward toward tomorrow. From science fairs, to homecoming pregnancy scandals and resulting cover-ups, to the...
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Autoerotic Fiction
The sun was high in the sky on this bright summer Saturday morning. Fresh from his night of slumber, John opened one eye and took a glance around the room before reading his clock radio....
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Shanty-Van Randy
Did someone say that, did I just think that, or did I pick this up through some sort of Morse Code military vibration in my teeth left over from my stint in Korea? Sorry, I should note I don’t mean...
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The Minivan Backseat: A Filthy Frontier
Great empires fall, the brightest stars burn out, masterpieces fade, and minivan backseats inevitably become sticky, disgusting, and uninhabitable places. The enfilthment of a backseat is like...
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Cheese Terrors
I’m dead tired, but I’m not going to fall asleep. No, this isn’t a repeat of when my butcher was grinding up amphetamines in my meat to get me hooked on his, less legitimate, side business, no, this...
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One Box of Crunch Berries to Rule Them All
A low gurgle escapes out of my open mouth, along with a hearty, grizzly bear-esque yawn. The clock reads quarter to seven, but that clock has been stopped for days and is rarely correct anymore....
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Dinner Party
An extra threatening letter from the gas company, an envelope speckled with blood addressed to a senator, a third subscription to Bathtub Gin Aficionado: seriously, anything would be better to receive...
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Give Me My Check Now
This experience has been highly objectionable and I want it to end as soon as possible. I’ve watched this waitress saunter about the restaurant, feigning laughter and genuine interest in customers’...
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Everyone is Awesome-3
Gee golly gosh, you beautiful readers always make me blush like I’m the nerd who took off his glasses only to reveal to everyone he’s the homecoming queen they’ve long been searching for. Seriously...
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Take Back Lunch?
All my senses are taking an Irish beating and it’s not even St. Patrick’s Day. It’s a formidable concoction of chaos, misdirected passion, and a perpetual twinge of nearly vomiting that leaves me...
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Hey, Buddy, You Know Self-Control is Also a Perfectly Fine Lunch Option?
Must we go through this monotonous song and dance routine each noon hour? You make this seem like it’s a whole Ross-and-Rachel-will-they-won’t-they ordeal only to predictably succumb to the siren song...
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Just Wait Until Company Leaves
This is the perfect storm. This is the tornado hitting the used syringe emporium and germ warfare laboratory. This is the bus igniting into flames and crashing into an outdoor amphitheater during a...
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The Blaze-of-Glory Fantasy Job Resignation
It’s a normal day. I’m keeping to myself when an email thread about another bullshit-mandatory-community-service outing this Saturday overruns my inbox. Maybe it’s just that Saturday is the day I was...
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A Lesson From Middle-School Sex Ed
It was seventh grade—a time for boys when masturbation is no longer a secret hobby but more a secret lifestyle. Sexuality was no mystery, still, we looked forward to sex education; mainly, because it...
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I Think I’ve Been Pregnant For Years
Uncertainty and anxiety fester. My mind’s racing over the potential duties and doodys I’d be responsible for as a parent. I don’t know how this could’ve happened; I never hot tub naked with others and...
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Where Does the Time Go: I’m Terribly Sorry
What’s the old expression, if ifs and sluts were candy and butts than every day would be Christmas? Teach a man to fish and he’ll go fishing instead of writing? Excuses are like buttholes: everyone has...
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No, Justin, it Isn’t Christmas Again
As I lapped up a bowl of Frosted Flakes, my eyes remaining fixated on the debatably-racist cartoon rooster promenading across the television screen. A bit of anxiety festered about a mandatory...
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All We Want is a Bus to Make Out with Girls In
The homecoming dance was behind us and, giddy with post-make-out fever, Chuck and I were determined to recreate what we had since dubbed “bus magic”. Saturday night had been perfect. Actual girls,...
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A Lesson From Middle-School Sex Ed
It was seventh grade—a time for boys when masturbation is no longer a secret hobby but more a secret lifestyle. Sexuality was no mystery, still, we looked forward to sex education; mainly, because it...
View ArticleClik here to view.
I Think I’ve Been Pregnant For Years
Uncertainty and anxiety fester. My mind’s racing over the potential duties and doodys I’d be responsible for as a parent. I don’t know how this could’ve happened; I never hot tub naked with others and...
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